Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Fat Tuesday: Standing in the Checkout Line

A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in the checkout line at Evil*Mart and started reading the magazine covers. Here are a few:

"Look Good in Cozy Clothes" 
(Isn't the point of wearing cozy clothes being comfortable? And, you know, warm?"

"How They Did It: Half Their Size!"
(You know I'm going to open this magazine and it's just going to tell me all about their amazing diet and how they walked a little more. I always get sucked into these kinds of stories. And I'm always disappointed.)

"Improve Your Diet"
(Okay, maybe this one isn't so bad. But, still, it feels like all the magazine covers are against me!)

"Get An Insane Body: It's Hard, But You'll Look Hot!"
(Yep, that's what matters, seventeen year old girls: Looking hot! *growls*)

"Hollywood's Secret Diets: Get Thin Fast"
(Because losing weight quickly has always helped me before!)

"Outsmart the Over-40 Hidden Fat Trigger To Lose 1 LB Every Day!"
(This is another one that I get sucked into every time. Of course there's a hidden fat trigger! That is the only reason I'm fat. Because of that darn hidden fat trigger!)

"Lose 20 LBS in two weeks on the DUKE DIET DOCTOR'S LAST-CHANCE DIET!"
(Wait, this is a doctor's diet? I might have to go back for this one...)

Sorry this is so blurry. I was afraid that the Evil*Mart security was going to tackle me.
"The Bikini Body Plan"
(I already have a bikini body...just nobody's gonna be wanting to see it.)

I was getting, not surprisingly, very irritated by the many, many covers that touted hot bodies and losing 50 pounds a month. 

But, I decided not to get mad. Instead, I decided to think of other headlines for magazines. 


"Enjoy Wearing Whatever You Want When You Want!"

What do you think? What would you like to see on the cover of a magazine? Tell me in the comments!  

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fat Tuesday: 2 Reasons I Hate Photoshop

I hate Photoshop. Why?

Well, first, is that I have no idea how to use it. Seriously, Adobe, could you create some product that I can actually figure out and use? Because, right now, the best I can do is save my documents as a PDF. And that's just because it's an option for Pages (at home) and Word (at work).

I sort of think that Photoshop was created to make people who think they're intelligent, educated human beings and transform them into monkeys hitting the keyboard, hoping that SOMETHING will work!

And then, of course, there are things like this:

Did you SEE that? People who wield Photoshop are like magicians! They can totally change a human being (perfectly normal human beings who, if they walked down the street, you would think, hey, that person isn't ugly) and make this person into something that will never be seen in nature! (Or, again, walking down the street.)

Back "in the day", when magazines airbrushed the models on the front covers, there really was only so much that could be done, you know? But now, with Photoshop, they (I don't really know who "they" are; perhaps "they" are actually the robots who are plotting the demise of the human race; I know they've been working on getting rid of human teachers for years) make a person perfect.


There is no competing against perfect. Not for me. Not for the, as the video points out, the elementary school girls who read magazines and think that they're fat.

Photoshop, I hope you feel some shame for making the rest of us feel like hideous beings in comparison to your glittering images. Although, as you are computer software, I know you have no feelings. But you and your robot companions better be careful, because I'm watching you.

Always watching...