ARBPTWPMYTU 3rd Edition: Sucky Sonnet #1

Oh, Shakespeare! I dedicate this edition of ARBPTWMYTU to you. You were my muse when I wrote this sucky sonnet in high school. I hope this putrid poetry doesn't make you turn in your grave.

We Should Chew Our Cud More Eagerly

We are herded like stock into the school

And forced to sit day after day "learning"

Math, reading, and Society's rules

But inside the wheels are quickly turning.

We are shaped into what our herders need

Grazing on literature and science

Letting one bull erroneously lead

Us into an unfriendly alliance.

Then Graduation Day comes so quickly

And we are no longer cows in the herd.

We leave our pastures, almost bitterly

Then we fly away as light as bird.

We become ther herder, herding our Youth.

And our only intentions are to soothe.

Okay, come on! I have three different metaphors for students in this poem (are "we" cows, birds, or shepherds?) and my rhymes are so forced I had to tie them up and beat them to make them work. Shakespeare, my muse, I won't be surprised if you pretend not to know me when I meet you in the life after this one.

ARBPTWPMYTU 2nd Edition

Ah, already the 2nd edition of Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Make You Want To Throw Up. These two poems were written the summer before I started high school, I think. So, get your bucket ready!

Summer Has No Poetry

The mesquitoes are bitin'

My brothers are fightin'

And I'm mad.

The air is unusually hot

The wind is unusually not

And I'm sad.

My poetry has gone to the birds

My stories are just a bunch of words

And nobody really cares.

I usually write about blue skies

Or this unusually cute guy.

But this summer

Is a real bummer

And that is why.

School Daze

School is about to begin

I think I'm going to take a swim.

Maybe if I put it off to the last minute

I won't have to begin it.

Shopping for school stuff is just fine

But doesn't take a lot of time.

Paper gives you cuts

School food rots your guts.

Pens leak ink.

Gym shoes stink.

At least I still have a couple of weeks.

So, now that I'm writing these, I hope that when you're reading my poetry that I actually think is good that you're not thinking, "Hmm, I don't see much difference..."

Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Probably Make You Throw Up 1st edition

So, I've been going through my filing cabinet tonight because I really have too much stuff that I don't need. I've put a lot in the garbage pile (Okay, I'm really going to put it in the recycling bin) but I've also found tons of writing that I wrote in my wonder years. Tons of bad writing, that is. Short stories, the beginnings of novels, novels that I finished but I now hope are never, ever seen by a publisher. I even found my teenage vampire novel that I began writing long before Stephenie Meyer had her dream. And, of course, there is loads and loads of really awful poetry.

But I don't think I should be the only one who should have to read this terrible stuff; you should have to suffer along with me! So, here's the first edition and, depending on how many people go to the emergency room after reading this, maybe the last edition of Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Probably Make You Throw Up (ARBPTWPMYTU).

These first two poems were written when I was a sophomore in college. It was Valentine's Day and my friend Jen and I decided to write "I Hate Men" poetry. These are my two additions to the poetry-writing/man-hating evening.

(Just so you know, I do not hate men; I'm married to one, I have five brothers and a father who are men, and hopefully my boys grow up to be men. However, when you don't have a date on Valentine's, you've gotta do something.)

For the Man I Love

I loved you a long time ago

And I would still love you today

But you didn't ask me to be your valentine

So I wish you'd stay away.

You didn't send me flowers or

Candy very sweet.

So I wish you'd get out of my face

And eat your hairy feet.

If I ever get married

It will not be to you

And if you find this depressing

Choke on a candy heart and turn blue.

Kitchen Utensils Are More Romantic

A can opener is more romantic

The love you offer is simply platonic.

A soup spoon is so much more passionate

Than you in the mood, you lazy, old mutt.

A fork is a better shining, white knight

Although you may try with all of your might

To be like my knife with such dashing flair

But to find romance in men is so rare.

Don't worry, my dear, there is no other.

But why don't you stay home, live with mother.

You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's pretty darn bad." Oh ho ho! You just wait. I have even worse poetry than this! This is among some of the best of my poorly penned pieces

Oh, and, even though this poetry is truly awful, it is still copyrighted by me, so please don't steal it and say that you wrote it. This humiliation belongs to me!

Why didn't I hear that before?

As I was cleaning the apartment again today, I thought, "Why didn't I just hire someone to come clean the apartment for me?" I actually had thought that before, but I'd always have an answer to convince myself not to do it.

That would cost too much money.

So-and-so can clean an entire house by herself. I should be able to manage this teeny, tiny apartment.

And, of course the old standby:

What would so-and-so and such-and-such think of me if I couldn't clean my apartment?

And now that it's the day before I have to be out of the apartment, and it still isn't in the same condition it was first rented in (paraphrasing from our lease), and I'm so worn out that I still couldn't finish it. I kept cleaning and it seemed like everywhere I turned, there was another mess that was impossible to clean.

That's when I began to think, "Why am I putting myself through this? Why have I made myself believe that a perfectly cleaned apartment is necessary," and, perhaps even worse, "Why did I spend every night TSH was home last week cleaning the apartment?" We don't know for sure when he's going to be home and we spent our last hours together cleaning?! That last thought brought a few, brief tears.

I wonder what I was doing last week that kept myself from hearing these little whisperings. I guess I let myself get so wrapped up in what others thought of me and my little panic attacks, that I didn't listen.

So, tonight, I'm going to put my boys to bed, do my reading for class tomorrow, and, before I go to sleep, I'm going to write a little prayer asking for some help to get me through tomorrow. Because, if I can get through tomorrow without being rushed to the hospital with another bout of anxiety (which actually causes more anxiety, because you then have the $300 emergency room visit to pay for on top of whatever caused the anxiety in the first place) and without freaking out at the apartment assistant manager during our walk-through, I'll be done with that apartment forever!

And we'll live happily ever after in our little house that I got after making my wishing shrine...which I'll have to tell you about another time.

Artfest 2009, Part 3

Here are some of the awesome people I met at Artfest. There are even more fabulous people I met, but I don't have pictures of them. Maybe next year. :D

My new friend MK is the lady in front. The other lady is lovely too, but I don't remember her name.
Here's Tami with Liesel, an awesome artist. I wish you could see her necklace better. It's gorgeous and I want it!

This is Cindy. She's from Salt Lake too! And she's holding Traveler, Colleen's traveling companion.

Susan Wooldridge is the lady on the right. She's crazy awesome!

This is my awesome new friend Tami and me. I have three days of hat hair here. Please do not judge me too harshly.

This is Tami's new boyfriend. He's buff, but he's kind of nutty.

Tami. We were having a dance on our last night.

Tami at Show and Tell. This is her piece of jewelry that will soon sell for hundreds of dollars!

This is Colleen, who I actually met about two years ago at the Farmer's Market here in Salt Lake. This is the painting that she painted in 3 DAYS! And she had never painted before. So awesome!

Artfest 2009, Part 2

Okay, seriously, I should be able to figure this out. I have a graduate degree, after all. But these are all backwards again. So, please start at the bottom and then scroll up. That's the way they should be seen.

My finished blocks are at the top of this and the paper has my poem from the first day. On the last night of Artfest, everyone brings something they created and they have Show and Tell. I have soooo many pictures from that night. I had to keep deleting pictures of my kids in order to take all of the pictures I did. So many inspiring works! Oh, and I had already saved the other pictures of the kids on the computer at home.

Another shot of my workspace and unfinished blocks.

Here's my workspace on my 3rd day with Karen O'Brien. It was tons of fun making these little collage blocks! She has the easiest, most awesome ways to make backgrounds. I can't wait to get into my studio and play some more with making them.

Here's the journal I made. I almost gave up at one point, but Pam came to my rescue.

Here's my second workshop, where we created a journal with Pam Garrison. Pam is standing there at the front table, on the right.

Things we gathered from the beach in empty matchboxes. I wrote one of my poems about the objects in the box on the left.

Here's the word pool we created together and then used in our poetry.

My first workshop was with Susan Wooldridge, the author of Poemcrazy, and this is my workspace that day, filled with word tickets and color chips and art postcards.

Artfest 2009, Part 1

Okay, here it is! The long-awaited pictures from Artfest! I'm going to do this in a few posts, mostly because I forgot that blogger puts pictures in a little bit backwards. So, this first set of pictures is mostly Fort Worden, where Artfest is held.


My lovely cell...I mean dorm room.

A yummy treat we got when we checked in.

The theme of Artfest 2009 was Sea Monsters, and I found Nessie one morning as I was taking a walk on the beach.

I'm sorry, but I had to take a picture of the lone boat in the middle of weeds.

The lighthouse, which I never got around to walking to.

The view from the stairs of my dorm.

I think this is the front of my dorm, but I don't remember. A reminder to post pictures sooner.

The back of my dorm, view from the Commons.