As I was cleaning the apartment again today, I thought, "Why didn't I just hire someone to come clean the apartment for me?" I actually had thought that before, but I'd always have an answer to convince myself not to do it.
That would cost too much money.
So-and-so can clean an entire house by herself. I should be able to manage this teeny, tiny apartment.
And, of course the old standby:
What would so-and-so and such-and-such think of me if I couldn't clean my apartment?
And now that it's the day before I have to be out of the apartment, and it still isn't in the same condition it was first rented in (paraphrasing from our lease), and I'm so worn out that I still couldn't finish it. I kept cleaning and it seemed like everywhere I turned, there was another mess that was impossible to clean.
That's when I began to think, "Why am I putting myself through this? Why have I made myself believe that a perfectly cleaned apartment is necessary," and, perhaps even worse, "Why did I spend every night TSH was home last week cleaning the apartment?" We don't know for sure when he's going to be home and we spent our last hours together cleaning?! That last thought brought a few, brief tears.
I wonder what I was doing last week that kept myself from hearing these little whisperings. I guess I let myself get so wrapped up in what others thought of me and my little panic attacks, that I didn't listen.
So, tonight, I'm going to put my boys to bed, do my reading for class tomorrow, and, before I go to sleep, I'm going to write a little prayer asking for some help to get me through tomorrow. Because, if I can get through tomorrow without being rushed to the hospital with another bout of anxiety (which actually causes more anxiety, because you then have the $300 emergency room visit to pay for on top of whatever caused the anxiety in the first place) and without freaking out at the apartment assistant manager during our walk-through, I'll be done with that apartment forever!
And we'll live happily ever after in our little house that I got after making my wishing shrine...which I'll have to tell you about another time.