Monday, June 29, 2009

Why didn't I hear that before?

As I was cleaning the apartment again today, I thought, "Why didn't I just hire someone to come clean the apartment for me?" I actually had thought that before, but I'd always have an answer to convince myself not to do it.

That would cost too much money.

So-and-so can clean an entire house by herself. I should be able to manage this teeny, tiny apartment.

And, of course the old standby:

What would so-and-so and such-and-such think of me if I couldn't clean my apartment?

And now that it's the day before I have to be out of the apartment, and it still isn't in the same condition it was first rented in (paraphrasing from our lease), and I'm so worn out that I still couldn't finish it. I kept cleaning and it seemed like everywhere I turned, there was another mess that was impossible to clean.

That's when I began to think, "Why am I putting myself through this? Why have I made myself believe that a perfectly cleaned apartment is necessary," and, perhaps even worse, "Why did I spend every night TSH was home last week cleaning the apartment?" We don't know for sure when he's going to be home and we spent our last hours together cleaning?! That last thought brought a few, brief tears.

I wonder what I was doing last week that kept myself from hearing these little whisperings. I guess I let myself get so wrapped up in what others thought of me and my little panic attacks, that I didn't listen.

So, tonight, I'm going to put my boys to bed, do my reading for class tomorrow, and, before I go to sleep, I'm going to write a little prayer asking for some help to get me through tomorrow. Because, if I can get through tomorrow without being rushed to the hospital with another bout of anxiety (which actually causes more anxiety, because you then have the $300 emergency room visit to pay for on top of whatever caused the anxiety in the first place) and without freaking out at the apartment assistant manager during our walk-through, I'll be done with that apartment forever!

And we'll live happily ever after in our little house that I got after making my wishing shrine...which I'll have to tell you about another time.


UTSquishy said...

Think of What?

Annj said...

I hear you sista' I am the same way except my problem is so and so is my sister with four perfect kids living in a huge clean house. UGH! How do I keep up with that?!

P.S.I feel bad I didn't get a chance to visit with you at the reunion. It would have been nice to talk to you because I enjoyed all of our past visits. Well good luck on passing the apt. inspection.

orangemily said...

Rich posted his comment before the body of the blog showed up.

Sorry you still ended up having to pay part of your cleaning deposit. What a pain, I am no fan of cleaning.
I'm happy you're completely in your new house now though!

Nicole said...

So I'm reading this just now, 2 days too late, and wishing you had called me!!!! I so would've dumped my kids at Grandma's house and come and helped you clean. In a heartbeat! Cleaning is the one thing I do well. Of course, my house is no indication of that, but you know.

AND just so you know the very millisecond I have a little more disposable income I'm SOOOOOO hiring somebody to come once a week to clean my bathrooms and mop my floors and I'll broadcast it to the world that I'm too busy spending quality time with my children to clean so I'm paying somebody to do it. Plus I'm doing somebody else a favor by giving them a paying job in this difficult economy. So there. Zero guilt in hiring help I say!

And today's word verification: Morma

Andria said...

Well, it's over now. Yay!

Now, I wonder if I can hire someone to come unpack all my boxes...

Heather said...

I hope you're feeling better and that everything went ok!~