Calling All Marketers of Cool Stuff...

Yesterday I listened to a story on NPR about companies who court mommy bloggers by sending them free products and sending them on free trips and that the FTC may start investigating mommy bloggers who accept free products and give positive reviews about the products but who are not disclosing that they received the products for free.

And, I have to admit, that the only thing I could think of as I listened to this story is that no one is trying to offer me iPhones or trips to Hawaii and I felt kind of left out. So, marketers of stuff, if you're looking for a thirty-something working mom of three boys living in the suburbs to help move your product, I am totally open to receiving free products and saying good things about them. And I'm sure that my handful of readers will jump on board and buy your things just because I tell them to.

A Worthy Cause

There are so many worthy causes out there, but I hope you'll take a few minutes and read about a woman who needs life-saving treatment for her cancer and whose insurance company has denied the treatment.

Artist Kelly Rae Roberts has written on her blog about Megan and the effort to raise $100,000 by August 1 so Megan can get the treatment she needs. I hope, if you're able, that you'll donate a few dollars to the cause. If money is tight, which it is for so many of us right now, and you're unable to donate, please include her and her family in your prayers.

Just so you know, I'm not usually the kind of person who just donates money for people I don't even know. I don't put my extra change in the container at the store for one cause or another. I don't usually donate a dollar to Primary Children's Hospital when the cashier asks if I want to. But for some reason, this cause has touched me. I hope if you're able that you'll donate a few dollars too.

ARBPTWPMYTU 3rd Edition: Sucky Sonnet #1

Oh, Shakespeare! I dedicate this edition of ARBPTWMYTU to you. You were my muse when I wrote this sucky sonnet in high school. I hope this putrid poetry doesn't make you turn in your grave.

We Should Chew Our Cud More Eagerly

We are herded like stock into the school

And forced to sit day after day "learning"

Math, reading, and Society's rules

But inside the wheels are quickly turning.

We are shaped into what our herders need

Grazing on literature and science

Letting one bull erroneously lead

Us into an unfriendly alliance.

Then Graduation Day comes so quickly

And we are no longer cows in the herd.

We leave our pastures, almost bitterly

Then we fly away as light as bird.

We become ther herder, herding our Youth.

And our only intentions are to soothe.

Okay, come on! I have three different metaphors for students in this poem (are "we" cows, birds, or shepherds?) and my rhymes are so forced I had to tie them up and beat them to make them work. Shakespeare, my muse, I won't be surprised if you pretend not to know me when I meet you in the life after this one.

ARBPTWPMYTU 2nd Edition

Ah, already the 2nd edition of Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Make You Want To Throw Up. These two poems were written the summer before I started high school, I think. So, get your bucket ready!

Summer Has No Poetry

The mesquitoes are bitin'

My brothers are fightin'

And I'm mad.

The air is unusually hot

The wind is unusually not

And I'm sad.

My poetry has gone to the birds

My stories are just a bunch of words

And nobody really cares.

I usually write about blue skies

Or this unusually cute guy.

But this summer

Is a real bummer

And that is why.

School Daze

School is about to begin

I think I'm going to take a swim.

Maybe if I put it off to the last minute

I won't have to begin it.

Shopping for school stuff is just fine

But doesn't take a lot of time.

Paper gives you cuts

School food rots your guts.

Pens leak ink.

Gym shoes stink.

At least I still have a couple of weeks.

So, now that I'm writing these, I hope that when you're reading my poetry that I actually think is good that you're not thinking, "Hmm, I don't see much difference..."

Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Probably Make You Throw Up 1st edition

So, I've been going through my filing cabinet tonight because I really have too much stuff that I don't need. I've put a lot in the garbage pile (Okay, I'm really going to put it in the recycling bin) but I've also found tons of writing that I wrote in my wonder years. Tons of bad writing, that is. Short stories, the beginnings of novels, novels that I finished but I now hope are never, ever seen by a publisher. I even found my teenage vampire novel that I began writing long before Stephenie Meyer had her dream. And, of course, there is loads and loads of really awful poetry.

But I don't think I should be the only one who should have to read this terrible stuff; you should have to suffer along with me! So, here's the first edition and, depending on how many people go to the emergency room after reading this, maybe the last edition of Andria's Really Bad Poetry That Will Probably Make You Throw Up (ARBPTWPMYTU).

These first two poems were written when I was a sophomore in college. It was Valentine's Day and my friend Jen and I decided to write "I Hate Men" poetry. These are my two additions to the poetry-writing/man-hating evening.

(Just so you know, I do not hate men; I'm married to one, I have five brothers and a father who are men, and hopefully my boys grow up to be men. However, when you don't have a date on Valentine's, you've gotta do something.)

For the Man I Love

I loved you a long time ago

And I would still love you today

But you didn't ask me to be your valentine

So I wish you'd stay away.

You didn't send me flowers or

Candy very sweet.

So I wish you'd get out of my face

And eat your hairy feet.

If I ever get married

It will not be to you

And if you find this depressing

Choke on a candy heart and turn blue.

Kitchen Utensils Are More Romantic

A can opener is more romantic

The love you offer is simply platonic.

A soup spoon is so much more passionate

Than you in the mood, you lazy, old mutt.

A fork is a better shining, white knight

Although you may try with all of your might

To be like my knife with such dashing flair

But to find romance in men is so rare.

Don't worry, my dear, there is no other.

But why don't you stay home, live with mother.

You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's pretty darn bad." Oh ho ho! You just wait. I have even worse poetry than this! This is among some of the best of my poorly penned pieces

Oh, and, even though this poetry is truly awful, it is still copyrighted by me, so please don't steal it and say that you wrote it. This humiliation belongs to me!