A thought for you

"I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become." --Carl Jung

A Thought For You: Now is the time...

"Now is the time to know that all you do is sacred." --Hafiz

Fat Tuesday: A Special Guest Post

This blog post was written by my dear cousin Nicole. She asked me if she could write a post for Fat Tuesday, and, of course, I said, "Yes!" And I'm so glad she did, because this post hits spot on with many of the reasons that I started Fat Tuesday. So, without further ado, here is Nicole and her beautiful daughter Zoey:

This is Zoey.

She’s almost 8 years old. She is a dancer, a musician, a writer, a swimmer, a rainbow loom jewelry maker, a singer, a friend, a bookworm, and my daughter. 

I recently came across a Dove advertisement on YouTube that said that 6 out of 10 girls will stop doing what they love because they feel bad about the way they look. Here-you can watch it for yourself. It’s short. I’ll wait for you.

Are you back? Oh good.

When I saw this ad I began to cry-because my beautiful daughter Zoey is a LOT of things, but one things she isn’t is stick thin.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think she’s perfect. She is a very active girl and I’m not the least bit concerned about what her waist size is at age 8. Unfortunately it seems that manufacturers of children clothing don’t seem to agree with me that Zoey is perfectly sized for an 8 year old girl because clothes for 8 year old girls are made for little girls that have legs the size of toothpicks and a waist the size of my wrist.  I’ve been struggling to find clothes to fit my perfectly sized daughter almost since the time she stopped wearing diapers.

See, they make toddler sized clothing with stretchy waist bands that are wider in the waist and bottom because these clothes have to fit on a child around a diaper. But as soon as you outgrow toddler sizes I guess it is assumed that all little girls suddenly become  twigs.

In the past in order to find jeans that Zoey is comfortable in I have typically buy the “loose” style jeans and I buy a size larger then her normal size. This gives her the room in her waist and legs she needs to feel comfortable in her jeans but then they are WAY too long. So we ALWAYS have to roll her jeans. Which is ridiculous because look at her!

She’s a perfectly proportioned little girl! So why aren’t her jeans????

I walked into Old Navy recently to try and find some jeans for Zoey. I was intending to buy a size up, as usual. This shopping trip, however, I discovered that I had a very limited selection. It seems that this season the style is Skinny jeans, or Super Skinny jeans.

I walked over to the boy section and boy jeans come in Slim, Regular, and Husky. Now granted, no girl wants to wear clothes that say Husky on the tag-but I was sad and mad and confused at the idea that it’s ok and even expected that there will be boys who fill out and bulk up at this age but that girls but not okay for girls. 8 year old girls are apparently expected to be Super Skinny.

As a mother I dread the thought that someday Zoey will realize she doesn’t fit into Super Skinny jeans, and that she’ll think this is somehow a bad thing. I dread the day she stands in her swimsuit at the pool or her leotard and ballet and feels inferior to the twiggy girls. I pray this day never comes. I pray she is always able to look in the mirror and see the same beautiful, talents, smart, brave little girl that I see.

 

Fat Tuesday: My first Polyvore! Comfy Fall Clothes

So, everyone else in the world probably already knows about Polyvore. I've seen the cool collages of clothes and other "stuffs" on Pinterest and other blogs, but couldn't quite figure out how they were done. Until today! This is my first Polyvore outfit. This may be my new favorite thing. Seriously. I can put together outfits without actually buying them? Bring it on, baby!

Comfy Fall by laguapatona featuring black flats

Did you know that I have a Fat Tuesday Fashions board on Pinterest? Where I pin all the clothes I wish I had once a week? 

Fat Tuesday: Who Am I Hurting?

You may have noticed (or not) that there was no Fat Tuesday post last week. I was tired and didn't want to blog and wanted to do something else. So I gave myself permission. And it felt good.

Anyway...

I have a very self-deprecatory humor at times. It's how I deal. With being fat. And other things, too, but since it's Fat Tuesday, I'm talking about that.

When TSH (Tasty Soldier Husband) and I were dating, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and cavemen hunted them on the backs of wild, wooly mammoths (yes, I know, they didn't exist at the same time; I'm being WITTY here!), I made a comment at the end of the date that he was only taking me out for pity. This is when I weighed less than I do now but was necessarily "thin" and I've never really been able to see myself as pretty.

And I don't remember if he said anything about my "pity date" joke right at the time, but the next week, he called me and told me how mad the comment had made him. For a week, I fumed. What right did he have to get mad about my comments about myself?!

A week later, I called him and apologized, not because I really thought he was right, but because I wanted to continue being friends with him, even if we were no longer dating (I guess that means I kind of liked him, huh?).

Fast forward 12 years (yeah, it's been almost 12 years since that happened). I have not lost this self-deprecatory humor. I still make fun of myself--mostly my weight--and now I do it in front of my children.

This makes me a little sick to write. Because, seriously, what right do I have to make fun of the mother of these three sweet little guys?

Here's the thing: these boys think that their mom is pretty freaking awesome. Why? I have no idea, but they LOVE their mom. And their mom loves them right back. And she would never tell them that they are fat or funny-looking because she thinks they're pretty darn perfect.

Okay, I'll stop talking about myself in the third person.

But, here's the thing, they, like their dad, do not like when I make jokes about me being fat. It makes them very upset. 

My little jokes are a way to keep me safe, a way to keep me from caring too much. But at whose expense? Are these little guys going to grow up with distorted body images and with food issues because of my comments or how I've lived my life? 

I hope not. It's one of the reasons that I don't talk about the "D" word. I don't want them to grow up thinking that women need to be constantly concerned about their weight and what they're eating. Being healthy is one thing. Dieting, well, we know that's something else entirely.  And I want them to date girls and fall in love with girls and marry girls who are bright and brilliant and witty and who make them better people and who love them despite--or maybe because of--their flaws.

So, today, I am making a vow in front of the 27 people who read this blog (okay, who follow it but who don't necessarily READ it) that I will not make fun of myself for my weight or my looks or even my lack of housekeeping skills. Because my children--and, I guess, myself--deserve better than that. 

Fat Tuesday: It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. And so, I'm going to show pictures of me looking pretty in my birthday outfit I bought from Maurices. Yeah. You can get one two, but it will look differently on you, 'cause our bodies? They're different.

After last week's melt down about some pictures I saw, you'd think I might avoid this, but no. 'Cause I looked AWESOME today. Word.

I know. I know. You're drooling. But, seriously, you can pick up the shirt and the cardi at Maurices, which has some really cute plus size things. And some awesome boots! Oh, I'll have to show you the boots another time. They're uber-cute!

And here's a selfie. Yay! It's my birthday! 37 is the new 25, right?

(The necklaces I'm wearing, sadly, are not from Maurices. The loooong one is from Vegas. The short one is my Pyrrha pendant that's become my talisman. I wear it day and night and, yes, in the shower. I occasionally take it off if I'm wearing another short necklace OR when I'm going through security at the airport. Otherwise, if you see me, I'll be wearing it. It has a raven as well as "Live in peace" in French. Yes, I do need that reminder every single day.)

Now I'm going to eat cake and ice cream. 'Cause it's my birthday! Woot!

Storybowl!

Two weeks ago, I had the pleasure of spending two days with Andrea Scher of Superhero Life and I had the opportunity to experience Storybowl. When we finished, I knew I wanted to bring the experience home. So, here are the details for my first Storybowl! Woohoo!

I tried it from a cookbook!

Yes. I cooked. And the recipe DID NOT come from Pinterest (huge surprise, I know!). Instead it came from CrazySexyKitchen by Kris Carr.

I don't do a lot of cooking, and I'm definitely not vegan or a vegetarian, but I have been wanting to add more veggies and fruits to my diet, so I when I read about this book, I quickly put it on hold at the library.

When Sunday looked like this

I thought it was the perfect moment to try the Coconut and Red Lentils soup recipe. It took a lot longer than I thought it would to prepare it but it was SO worth it! (FYI, I love curry and coconut and ginger, so if you're ever trying to impress me at dinner, you might want to experiment with those.)

Here are some pics from my adventures in cooking (sorry, I'm not going to include the recipe here; I know other bloggers might, but this is Ms. Carr's intellectual property, and, as a writer, I feel uncomfortable giving away her hard work; I bet you can find the book at your local library though...).

And the piece de resistance: (drumroll, please)

And, the best part of this soup, my boys are extremely picky eaters (although I made them each try a spoonful) and my husband doesn't like leftovers, so I have TONS of soup left over for me! Woohoo! I've put them in separate Ziploc containers and I took some to work this week as well as put some more in the freezer. So when I'm feeling a little under the weather, I can pull this delicious concoction out, heat it up, and enjoy. 

So, do you have a favorite easy-ish soup recipe you'd like to share? 

Fat Tuesday: When I rule the world, I'll break all the cameras...

So, my plan for last Tuesday had been to do some fabulous Fat and Pretty in the Big City edition of Fat Tuesday, because I was in the San Francisco Bay area the weekend before, but it didn't happen. I'd thought I would go to some awesome stores and find cute plus size clothes and take great pictures of myself wearing those.

But that didn't happen. What did happen was probably so much better, but still, it left me blogpost-less last week. Hence, Lady Buddha. (I'll tell you the story some day of how she came into my life. I promise.)

So, I decided that this week would be sort of an "accessories" week, because accessories almost always fit. I LOVE them!

But that's not going to happen. Because something else happened, and I'm going to talk about that. (Don't worry, though, you'll get a good look at my obsession with jewelry and other fun things soon.)

Today I'm going to talk about...pictures. And how I wanted to cry last Tuesday after an a-MAZING weekend with some of the loveliest, loving women I've ever met.

The first weekend of October, my cousin and soul-sister, Nicole, and I went to a creativity retreat led by Andrea Scher and Laurie Wagner. I know. I sort of couldn't believe it either. Do you know who Andrea is? Did you take a look at Laurie's house? I mean, it was kind of a "wow" for me all weekend long. And there was a lot of laughing and crying and introspection this weekend that was entirely a surprise for me. There was writing and painting and gluing and eating going on as well, but that ended up taking a backseat to all of the other incredible things that were happening.

As with all weekends like that one, you don't want to go back to your normal life, right? You want to just float on the positive emotions until you get to your next chance to feel...blissful. When I saw, Wednesday morning, that one of the attendees had posted pictures of me, I was excited to look at them.

And then I saw them.

And all I saw was a really fat girl.

It made me sort of sick to my stomach. In fact, I texted Nicole about it right away, telling her that I was trying to not let the upset me. But they did upset me.

All those warm, fuzzies I had from the weekend flew out the window (okay, not out the window because you can't actually open the window in my classroom, but out the door and down the hall) and I was left with this sadness.

Because I felt like the real Andria wasn't there. How could she have been when the real Andria looks nothing like the Andria I was seeing in those images?

I'm not saying real Andria is thin. I know I'm not. But I didn't realize what I really looked like.

(Yes, I do look in a mirror every day, but even the person in my mirror, while overweight, doesn't look like the person I was seeing there.)

Nicole texted me back: "Just flipped through Allison's and Erin's pictures. Many of you because you are beautiful! The camera was drawn to you."

Pfft.

I really do wish I could believe this. But, at this moment, I don't. I don't like those pictures of me. I want them to be erased from memory cards and the internets and never ever to have existed.

But that won't happen. And so, I'm going to just keep on keeping on. I'm going to get up in the mornings and dress the best I can. I'm going to try to love myself and show myself that love in ways other than eating (although it's still going to happen; I have to be honest with myself). And I'm going to try to not let myself be dragged into the self-hate votex that is swirling around me.

Honestly, I could use some help. Friends, what are some ways that you show yourself love when all you want to do is eat Phish Food?

Fat Tuesday: Postponed...

Lady Buddha is here to tell you that Fat Tuesday is postponed until next week. Thank you.

Fat Tuesday: Go ahead. You deserve something pretty today.

So, last week, I received an email with a link to Sarah Jenks' program Live Well Weigh Less, and I have to tell you, it looks pretty darn cool. If you sign up for the free training, you'll get access to four videos of varying lengths and, quite honestly, varying degrees of usefulness.

However, there were a few things that really resonated with me. And a few things I've always wanted to do. And I'll let you watch the videos, because I don't want to steal Sarah's content, but one little thing she said was to buy yourself flowers every week.

On Tuesday, I ran into the grocery store for peanut butter and bread for my kids' lunches and was stopped by the small floral area which actually has a lot of different bouquets for really great prices. So I bought four to make two arrangements (confession: I don't actually know how to arrange flowers, so my pics might make you cringe a little). One is for my front room (which I actually cleaned and then rearranged the furniture on the autumnal equinox):

And another for my bedroom:

What's does this have to do with Fat Tuesday? 

Simply put, my friends, we all deserve to have beautiful flowers. No matter our body size or shape or our level of health. We deserve to enjoy all of the lovely things, all of the wonderful, fun experiences, this world has to offer us. And we don't have to wait until we're our "perfect" size in order to have and enjoy those things. We really can have them now. 

Friends, have you been waiting for the "perfect" moment to do that fun activity? Or go to that store? Or eat at that restaurant? Guess what? That perfect moment is now! (Okay, not right now. Finish reading this then go get in your car.) 

So, what're you going to do right now instead of waiting for that perfect moment? 

Fat Tuesday: Does my sexiness upset you?

Last year (and by "last year" I mean "last school year" because my beginnings always come at the end of August)...

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Last year, I had a bit of an epiphany. Part of this is related to last week's Fat Tuesday post. My epiphany was this:

Even though I am fat, I can still look good.

I don't have to dress in jeans and sweaters and comfy tees all the time. I don't have to wear sensible slacks and blouses and cardigans to work. I am allowed to dress well. Even trendy. Even *gasp!* wear heels! 

(But not at work. However, if you know some heels that are easy to wear and comfortable and can be worn all day on your feet, please feel free to let me know). 

Anyway. I started dressing better. Cuter. And I felt better about myself. So much better!

 One day, when it was cold and I went to put on a sweater I'd been wearing just months before, I looked at myself in the  mirror and thought, I can't go to work like this! I look so...slouchy. And I quickly pulled out something I looked much better in. 

I had this new-found confidence that came just from changing what I wore. And people were noticing. I got compliments from students and others at work. And it was kind of nice.

Until I started realizing that some of those compliments from people I worked with didn't sound like compliments at all. They sounded more like, "Why do you get to have all of these new clothes? Who do you think you are? Fatso."

Maybe that's not really what was being said behind their kind words. Maybe I was imagining things, born out of my old insecurities which weren't really gone, but just hovering in the background, waiting to take over again. 

I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. My inner fashion critic was having a hay day with it.

Until one morning as I was getting out of my car, ready to walk into work, and the words of Maya Angelou came from somewhere in my brain to lodge itself in my heart:

"Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?"

(from "Still I Rise")

And I realized: That's it. Those people who I felt like were giving me backhanded compliments were threatened that a girl who was fat dared to look good! 

I upset the entire social order! Fat people should wear baggy clothes and thin people should show off their curves and that's it!

Pfft. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was wearing a striped pencil skirt (my new favorite wardrobe must-have!) with an orange tank and matching cardi, and one of those people saw me and commented on my new outfit ("Oh, just so cute!"). And the words she said didn't smart like they had before. Perhaps I really HAD been imagining it. Or perhaps the words didn't have the power of me they had before because, honey, I knew it! I just said, "Yes," smiled, and sauntered on down the hall. 

So, I hope--oh, I really, really do--that my little story has inspired you, to ditch the "comfy" clothes and wear something fun and maybe a little va-va-va-voom! for a day. Or maybe just an evening. Try it. See how it feels. And then share it! With a friend (I'm always taking pics of myself in the bathroom at work and sending them to my cousin so she can tell me how awesome I look). With Twitter. On Facebook. Maybe even on your blog and with a link to it in a comment below? :)

Show the world that your size doesn't mean that you can't look AMAZING. 

A Thought For You

I Tried It From Pinterest! Maple Granola

This is actually the third time I've made this granola, but each time I make add something different to it. I am not embarrassed to say that I'm a little addicted to it.

Ingredients Gathered 

(Sadly, you can't see the maple syrup well. It's in the brown jug in the back and is Vermont Grade A Medium Amber from Bragg Farm Sugarhouse in Montpelier, VT.)

All the dry ingredients ready to go!

This time I used pumpkin seeds and mixed dried fruit. Yummy!

The granola is now super sticky and laid out on a piece of parchment paper on a cookie sheet. Ready for the oven!

25 minutes later and I have this beautifully toasted mixture of amazingness.

Usually, I eat the granola on top of Greek yogurt, but today I just wanted to taste

 the pure awesomeness of the granola with unsweetened Almond Coconut milk.

In a Vermont College of Fine Arts mug!

This is so easy to make that I know I'll be doing it for a long, long time. 

What are your favorite recipes you've found from Pinterest? Or anywhere else online?

Fat Tuesday: You can be fat AND beautiful!

For, oh, about forever, I believed that these two things were true:

Thin = Beautiful

and

Fat = Ugly

Really. It was basic mathematics, or whatever you may call it (I majored in English and only had to take one math class in college, so I really don't know).

In order to be beautiful, one also had to be thin.

The funny thing is, that I didn't really believe this about OTHER people. There are so many women in this world who are not of an "acceptable weight" who I've never looked at and thought, Oh, she would be so much prettier if she were thin!

For example:

Queen Latifah. She is GORGEOUS! I mean, I just can't explain how beautiful I think she is. And I'm a writer! I should be able to put words to it. But I can't. She's just so many perfect elements put together and she's been beautiful at every weight.

Jennifer Hudson. Before she did the WW, I was horribly confused as to why people were calling her "fat." She was (and still is) this lovely, talented woman and everyone was focusing on her weight? Egads! AND she was much to thin (and young) to play Rosaleen in The Secret Life of Bees. I still can't believe they did that. Craziness.

Rebel Wilson. She's lovely and funny and has the world's most amazing smile!

Adele. I've never been able to figure out why she is considered "fat" as well. She looks perfect to me. And her voice is incredible! And I love her.

HOWEVER...

...they didn't make me see myself any differently in my mirror. Or how I thought I looked to other people.

I was (and am) fat

therefore

I was not beautiful.

Did it matter that my husband would tell me that I was beautiful? Nope.

This past year--as I've lost some weight and then gained it back--I've come to realize that I am not not beautiful. This is a process, and I'm still learning to love me as I am, but it has changed me. A lot.

I have much more confidence in myself than I have had for a long time (probably since the first time I was doing the WW), I'm not beating myself up for my food choices all the time, and I'm happier in general.

But I'm still trying to remember that fat doesn't mean ugly and thin doesn't necessarily mean beautiful.

What about you? What body image "triumphs" have you had this week? (Any tips are greatly appreciated.)

A thought for you

I tried it from Pinterest! Apple Chips

I saw this lovely--and easy looking--recipe on making apple chips, so I thought I'd try it. At about 8 o'clock at night. On a Sunday. When I have to be up at 5 in the morning to get to work.

I, too, used a mandolin. It was the first time I've used one. It was easier than I thought it would be.

My apple slices aren't pretty because I decided to core them. Yeah. That was more work than it was worth. My second apple I didn't core. They were fine.

You put the lovely apple slices (mine aren't so lovely, remember, because they're cored) on a sheet of parchment paper on your cookie sheet and sprinkle the apple slices with sugar and cinnamon.

I guess you could mix the sugar and cinnamon together before you sprinkle it on the apples. I didn't. Because I didn't even bother to look at the recipe to begin with. I was just going by the PICTURES of the pin. 

Please DO NOT do that. Please read the recipe. Because, boy, was I surprised when I finally did.

Have you ever done this? You read the recipe (or not even the recipe but comments on the pin), and you misread the time? Yeah. I misread it. The comment said "1 hour." I thought it said 1/2 hour. So after a half hour, I opened the oven and they were very, very not cooked. That's when I finally looked at the original recipe. 

The time wasn't a 1/2 hour. 

The time wasn't 1 hour.

The time was 2 hours. 

Argh!

So, I set the timer for another 1/2 hour. Flipped them. They were still floppy. Floppy flipping. (Love that alliteration!) Then I put them in for another hour and read and gave feedback on a short story my husband had written for his creative writing class. 

And here's the final product:

These weren't very pretty at all. And there may be a couple missing here. And, because I only have one cookie sheet (there may be another one out in my garage; but I haven't seen it since we moved 4 years ago) I only did one apple. 

2 hours for this many apple chips? Well, they were tasty. I know. I had them for dinner the next night. 

The next time I make them, I'll do it during the day and not when it's bedtime. And I'll use another cookie sheet as well. And I'll probably put more apple slices on a single cookie sheet. 

So I learned a lot. And hopefully you won't make the same silly mistakes I did. 

Have you tried a craft/recipe/beauty tip/anything from Pinterest recently? Please share! :)

Have an amazing weekend!

Andria

Fat Tuesday: The First Blog Post

I have a confession to make:

I am not thin.

Okay. That's not quite right. A lot of people are "not thin." What I am is actually called "fat."

Well, maybe that's not quite telling the truth either. According to every website with a BMI thingy, I am not only fat, I am "obese."

Phew! I feel so much better getting that off my chest, because I would hate for you to believe you were reading the blog of a person who is in her target weight range, and then find out it was all a lie! LIES!

(This is a pretty accurate picture of my face...except I'm not really that blurry. And I tried to curl my hair, so it's a bit funkier than usual.)

So, why am I telling you this? Because I've thought about this--a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:

I am absolutely, positively, truly not my weight.

Do I want to be healthy and live a good, long life, hanging out with my kids, writing novels, and making art?

Yep!

Is the only way I can have this good, long, healthy life by constantly dieting and thinking about all the foods I CAN'T have or what I CAN have or how BAD I am for eating something that I SHOULDN'T?

Oh, heavens, I hope not, because I've already lived that life. More than once, in fact. And every time I lose weight I--wait for it--gain it back.

What does this have to do with my meandering musings? Well, it's this:

I am starting to be okay with who I am in the body I have right now. And I want to have discussions with you about loving yourself as you are. I really hope you're all smarter than I am on this subject, because I could really use the help.

And I'm going to blog about this topic on Tuesdays. Hence the title "Fat Tuesday."

Did you know that Mardi Gras is French for Fat Tuesday? So, what I want Fat Tuesdays to be is not griping about weight and diets and the fact that clothing designers think "plus-size" ladies all want to be dressed like the mother of the bride when they go to events that require formal wear (yeah, once, my husband gave me a nice big gift card to Sears so I could find an outfit for a dining out that required me to dress up. I couldn't find ANYTHING that looked my age, so I ended up buying my first iPod with it instead).

(My body to go along with my face. Check out those shoes!)

Fat Tuesday will be a celebration along with some contemplation and a large dose of self-love. I hope you'll join me for Fat Tuesdays. And I'd love for you to leave comments with topics surrounding this issue that you would be interesting in delving into more deeply.

AND if you have a plus-size fashion blog or a website dedicated to loving yourself, I'd love to know that too!

Beginning...again

Why, yes, it has been over a year and a half since I blogged. Lots going on, you know, including earning my MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from Vermont College of Fine Arts . . .

. . . and another deployment . . .

. . . and all the other things that make our lives busy, busy, busy like growing up . . .

. . . and growing out my hair. . .

. . . and still teaching full time, but now with sophomore honors as well. (Don't ask me when I got smart enough to teach honors. I'm still pretty sure I'm not smart enough, but I'm faking it the best I can.)

But I AM back. With ideas for some weekly posts, including a very scary (for me) series on Tuesdays as well as some thoughts on the writing life, love, dreams, with the occasional "Look! I made this from Pinterest!" post. If you used to read my blog, I hope you'll come back and hang out with me a couple times a week. And if you're new, oh, boy, welcome! I wish I had some sweet treat to give you . . . oh, wait! I do!

I've been playing with making my own printables. While you can't eat this, I hope you'll still enjoy it.

This is from a picture I took in Washington State in 2011. Download it and enjoy. (PDF with 2--one for you and one to share--is available here.)

Want to share this printable with your tweeps? Click here to tweet! 

Have a lovely weekend, blog friends, old and new!

Andria