Fat Tuesday: Dear Target

Dear Target,

I don't get you.

For the longest time, if I dropped by your "Women's Plus" department, I couldn't find anything that would be appealing to a plus-sized thirty-something. All of your plus-sized clothes were for women much more...matronly than I am. Even though I am closer to 40 than I am to 30, I still don't want to wear something my grandma would wear.

I've never understood why you have so many cute clothes in your misses section and yet only stocked things which vaguely looked like circus tents and the like in the "Women's Plus." Maybe you don't think chunky chicks shop at your store? Or maybe you want to discourage us from shopping there altogether? Send us over to Evil*Mart instead (who is starting to have cuter clothes for luscious ladies) because we're a "lower class" of person?

But, last summer, to my delight, I discovered that you had cute, young dresses and shirts and more (oh, my!) in that little corner next to the dressing rooms where I had been disappointed so many times before. In fact, it seemed to be bursting at the seams with fashionable frocks, and I felt like you had finally heard my silent prayers.

I guess it wasn't meant to last, because, when fall began, the number of cute clothes began to shrink and the number of clown clothes grew once again. Still, you'd conditioned me to keep checking back every time I dropped by on a whim.

So, imagine the combination of excitement and dismay when I saw this sign on February 13 in an empty Women's Plus department (well, it wasn't actually empty but overflowing with clearance items from your other department):

Excitement because, I couldn't help but think, "New? New! This means they're going to start having clothes that I'll want to wear! Clothes that, like the thin girls, I can walk down the street in and feel proud."

Dismay because, well, look at that sign: "Women's Plus Collection arriving early February." Um, Target, February only has 28 days this year, which means that, by the time I took this picture, the month was half over. Where are my "new" clothes that this sign promises?

I went back to your store this week, and, what did I find? Did I find brand new, cool, funky, comfortable, affordable clothes to fit my size 22 physique? Nope. I found this sign. Still. No clothes that I could wear and like myself in. Disappointed? Yeah, a little.

Dear Target, I do hope when your store actually gets some new clothes in my size (looking like it'll be in at least March by this point), that I will be writing another blog post extolling the virtues of your garments. Until then, I wait, half hoping, half dreading, what I'll find the next time I wander down to that corner next to the fitting rooms.

Sincerely,

Andria

Fat Tuesday: Standing in the Checkout Line

A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in the checkout line at Evil*Mart and started reading the magazine covers. Here are a few:

"Look Good in Cozy Clothes" 

(Isn't the point of wearing cozy clothes being comfortable? And, you know, warm?"

"How They Did It: Half Their Size!"

(You know I'm going to open this magazine and it's just going to tell me all about their amazing diet and how they walked a little more. I always get sucked into these kinds of stories. And I'm always disappointed.)

"Improve Your Diet"

(Okay, maybe this one isn't so bad. But, still, it feels like all the magazine covers are against me!)

"Get An Insane Body: It's Hard, But You'll Look Hot!"

(Yep, that's what matters, seventeen year old girls: Looking hot! *growls*)

"Hollywood's Secret Diets: Get Thin Fast"

(Because losing weight quickly has always helped me before!)

"Outsmart the Over-40 Hidden Fat Trigger To Lose 1 LB Every Day!"

(This is another one that I get sucked into every time. Of course there's a hidden fat trigger! That is the only reason I'm fat. Because of that darn hidden fat trigger!)

"Lose 20 LBS in two weeks on the DUKE DIET DOCTOR'S LAST-CHANCE DIET!"

(Wait, this is a doctor's diet? I might have to go back for this one...)

Sorry this is so blurry. I was afraid that the Evil*Mart security was going to tackle me.

"The Bikini Body Plan"

(I already have a bikini body...just nobody's gonna be wanting to see it.)

I was getting, not surprisingly, very irritated by the many, many covers that touted hot bodies and losing 50 pounds a month. 

But, I decided not to get mad. Instead, I decided to think of other headlines for magazines. 

Like...

"Enjoy Wearing Whatever You Want When You Want!"

What do you think? What would you like to see on the cover of a magazine? Tell me in the comments!  

Fat Tuesday: 2 Reasons I Hate Photoshop

I hate Photoshop. Why?

Well, first, is that I have no idea how to use it. Seriously, Adobe, could you create some product that I can actually figure out and use? Because, right now, the best I can do is save my documents as a PDF. And that's just because it's an option for Pages (at home) and Word (at work).

I sort of think that Photoshop was created to make people who think they're intelligent, educated human beings and transform them into monkeys hitting the keyboard, hoping that SOMETHING will work!

And then, of course, there are things like this:



Did you SEE that? People who wield Photoshop are like magicians! They can totally change a human being (perfectly normal human beings who, if they walked down the street, you would think, hey, that person isn't ugly) and make this person into something that will never be seen in nature! (Or, again, walking down the street.)

Back "in the day", when magazines airbrushed the models on the front covers, there really was only so much that could be done, you know? But now, with Photoshop, they (I don't really know who "they" are; perhaps "they" are actually the robots who are plotting the demise of the human race; I know they've been working on getting rid of human teachers for years) make a person perfect.

Perfect.

There is no competing against perfect. Not for me. Not for the, as the video points out, the elementary school girls who read magazines and think that they're fat.

Photoshop, I hope you feel some shame for making the rest of us feel like hideous beings in comparison to your glittering images. Although, as you are computer software, I know you have no feelings. But you and your robot companions better be careful, because I'm watching you.

Always watching...

Fat Tuesday: A Special Guest Post

This blog post was written by my dear cousin Nicole. She asked me if she could write a post for Fat Tuesday, and, of course, I said, "Yes!" And I'm so glad she did, because this post hits spot on with many of the reasons that I started Fat Tuesday. So, without further ado, here is Nicole and her beautiful daughter Zoey:

This is Zoey.

She’s almost 8 years old. She is a dancer, a musician, a writer, a swimmer, a rainbow loom jewelry maker, a singer, a friend, a bookworm, and my daughter. 

I recently came across a Dove advertisement on YouTube that said that 6 out of 10 girls will stop doing what they love because they feel bad about the way they look. Here-you can watch it for yourself. It’s short. I’ll wait for you.

Are you back? Oh good.

When I saw this ad I began to cry-because my beautiful daughter Zoey is a LOT of things, but one things she isn’t is stick thin.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think she’s perfect. She is a very active girl and I’m not the least bit concerned about what her waist size is at age 8. Unfortunately it seems that manufacturers of children clothing don’t seem to agree with me that Zoey is perfectly sized for an 8 year old girl because clothes for 8 year old girls are made for little girls that have legs the size of toothpicks and a waist the size of my wrist.  I’ve been struggling to find clothes to fit my perfectly sized daughter almost since the time she stopped wearing diapers.

See, they make toddler sized clothing with stretchy waist bands that are wider in the waist and bottom because these clothes have to fit on a child around a diaper. But as soon as you outgrow toddler sizes I guess it is assumed that all little girls suddenly become  twigs.

In the past in order to find jeans that Zoey is comfortable in I have typically buy the “loose” style jeans and I buy a size larger then her normal size. This gives her the room in her waist and legs she needs to feel comfortable in her jeans but then they are WAY too long. So we ALWAYS have to roll her jeans. Which is ridiculous because look at her!

She’s a perfectly proportioned little girl! So why aren’t her jeans????

I walked into Old Navy recently to try and find some jeans for Zoey. I was intending to buy a size up, as usual. This shopping trip, however, I discovered that I had a very limited selection. It seems that this season the style is Skinny jeans, or Super Skinny jeans.

I walked over to the boy section and boy jeans come in Slim, Regular, and Husky. Now granted, no girl wants to wear clothes that say Husky on the tag-but I was sad and mad and confused at the idea that it’s ok and even expected that there will be boys who fill out and bulk up at this age but that girls but not okay for girls. 8 year old girls are apparently expected to be Super Skinny.

As a mother I dread the thought that someday Zoey will realize she doesn’t fit into Super Skinny jeans, and that she’ll think this is somehow a bad thing. I dread the day she stands in her swimsuit at the pool or her leotard and ballet and feels inferior to the twiggy girls. I pray this day never comes. I pray she is always able to look in the mirror and see the same beautiful, talents, smart, brave little girl that I see.

 

Fat Tuesday: My first Polyvore! Comfy Fall Clothes

So, everyone else in the world probably already knows about Polyvore. I've seen the cool collages of clothes and other "stuffs" on Pinterest and other blogs, but couldn't quite figure out how they were done. Until today! This is my first Polyvore outfit. This may be my new favorite thing. Seriously. I can put together outfits without actually buying them? Bring it on, baby!

Comfy Fall by laguapatona featuring black flats

Did you know that I have a Fat Tuesday Fashions board on Pinterest? Where I pin all the clothes I wish I had once a week? 

Fat Tuesday: Who Am I Hurting?

You may have noticed (or not) that there was no Fat Tuesday post last week. I was tired and didn't want to blog and wanted to do something else. So I gave myself permission. And it felt good.

Anyway...

I have a very self-deprecatory humor at times. It's how I deal. With being fat. And other things, too, but since it's Fat Tuesday, I'm talking about that.

When TSH (Tasty Soldier Husband) and I were dating, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and cavemen hunted them on the backs of wild, wooly mammoths (yes, I know, they didn't exist at the same time; I'm being WITTY here!), I made a comment at the end of the date that he was only taking me out for pity. This is when I weighed less than I do now but was necessarily "thin" and I've never really been able to see myself as pretty.

And I don't remember if he said anything about my "pity date" joke right at the time, but the next week, he called me and told me how mad the comment had made him. For a week, I fumed. What right did he have to get mad about my comments about myself?!

A week later, I called him and apologized, not because I really thought he was right, but because I wanted to continue being friends with him, even if we were no longer dating (I guess that means I kind of liked him, huh?).

Fast forward 12 years (yeah, it's been almost 12 years since that happened). I have not lost this self-deprecatory humor. I still make fun of myself--mostly my weight--and now I do it in front of my children.

This makes me a little sick to write. Because, seriously, what right do I have to make fun of the mother of these three sweet little guys?

Here's the thing: these boys think that their mom is pretty freaking awesome. Why? I have no idea, but they LOVE their mom. And their mom loves them right back. And she would never tell them that they are fat or funny-looking because she thinks they're pretty darn perfect.

Okay, I'll stop talking about myself in the third person.

But, here's the thing, they, like their dad, do not like when I make jokes about me being fat. It makes them very upset. 

My little jokes are a way to keep me safe, a way to keep me from caring too much. But at whose expense? Are these little guys going to grow up with distorted body images and with food issues because of my comments or how I've lived my life? 

I hope not. It's one of the reasons that I don't talk about the "D" word. I don't want them to grow up thinking that women need to be constantly concerned about their weight and what they're eating. Being healthy is one thing. Dieting, well, we know that's something else entirely.  And I want them to date girls and fall in love with girls and marry girls who are bright and brilliant and witty and who make them better people and who love them despite--or maybe because of--their flaws.

So, today, I am making a vow in front of the 27 people who read this blog (okay, who follow it but who don't necessarily READ it) that I will not make fun of myself for my weight or my looks or even my lack of housekeeping skills. Because my children--and, I guess, myself--deserve better than that. 

Fat Tuesday: It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. And so, I'm going to show pictures of me looking pretty in my birthday outfit I bought from Maurices. Yeah. You can get one two, but it will look differently on you, 'cause our bodies? They're different.

After last week's melt down about some pictures I saw, you'd think I might avoid this, but no. 'Cause I looked AWESOME today. Word.

I know. I know. You're drooling. But, seriously, you can pick up the shirt and the cardi at Maurices, which has some really cute plus size things. And some awesome boots! Oh, I'll have to show you the boots another time. They're uber-cute!

And here's a selfie. Yay! It's my birthday! 37 is the new 25, right?

(The necklaces I'm wearing, sadly, are not from Maurices. The loooong one is from Vegas. The short one is my Pyrrha pendant that's become my talisman. I wear it day and night and, yes, in the shower. I occasionally take it off if I'm wearing another short necklace OR when I'm going through security at the airport. Otherwise, if you see me, I'll be wearing it. It has a raven as well as "Live in peace" in French. Yes, I do need that reminder every single day.)

Now I'm going to eat cake and ice cream. 'Cause it's my birthday! Woot!

Fat Tuesday: When I rule the world, I'll break all the cameras...

So, my plan for last Tuesday had been to do some fabulous Fat and Pretty in the Big City edition of Fat Tuesday, because I was in the San Francisco Bay area the weekend before, but it didn't happen. I'd thought I would go to some awesome stores and find cute plus size clothes and take great pictures of myself wearing those.

But that didn't happen. What did happen was probably so much better, but still, it left me blogpost-less last week. Hence, Lady Buddha. (I'll tell you the story some day of how she came into my life. I promise.)

So, I decided that this week would be sort of an "accessories" week, because accessories almost always fit. I LOVE them!

But that's not going to happen. Because something else happened, and I'm going to talk about that. (Don't worry, though, you'll get a good look at my obsession with jewelry and other fun things soon.)

Today I'm going to talk about...pictures. And how I wanted to cry last Tuesday after an a-MAZING weekend with some of the loveliest, loving women I've ever met.

The first weekend of October, my cousin and soul-sister, Nicole, and I went to a creativity retreat led by Andrea Scher and Laurie Wagner. I know. I sort of couldn't believe it either. Do you know who Andrea is? Did you take a look at Laurie's house? I mean, it was kind of a "wow" for me all weekend long. And there was a lot of laughing and crying and introspection this weekend that was entirely a surprise for me. There was writing and painting and gluing and eating going on as well, but that ended up taking a backseat to all of the other incredible things that were happening.

As with all weekends like that one, you don't want to go back to your normal life, right? You want to just float on the positive emotions until you get to your next chance to feel...blissful. When I saw, Wednesday morning, that one of the attendees had posted pictures of me, I was excited to look at them.

And then I saw them.

And all I saw was a really fat girl.

It made me sort of sick to my stomach. In fact, I texted Nicole about it right away, telling her that I was trying to not let the upset me. But they did upset me.

All those warm, fuzzies I had from the weekend flew out the window (okay, not out the window because you can't actually open the window in my classroom, but out the door and down the hall) and I was left with this sadness.

Because I felt like the real Andria wasn't there. How could she have been when the real Andria looks nothing like the Andria I was seeing in those images?

I'm not saying real Andria is thin. I know I'm not. But I didn't realize what I really looked like.

(Yes, I do look in a mirror every day, but even the person in my mirror, while overweight, doesn't look like the person I was seeing there.)

Nicole texted me back: "Just flipped through Allison's and Erin's pictures. Many of you because you are beautiful! The camera was drawn to you."

Pfft.

I really do wish I could believe this. But, at this moment, I don't. I don't like those pictures of me. I want them to be erased from memory cards and the internets and never ever to have existed.

But that won't happen. And so, I'm going to just keep on keeping on. I'm going to get up in the mornings and dress the best I can. I'm going to try to love myself and show myself that love in ways other than eating (although it's still going to happen; I have to be honest with myself). And I'm going to try to not let myself be dragged into the self-hate votex that is swirling around me.

Honestly, I could use some help. Friends, what are some ways that you show yourself love when all you want to do is eat Phish Food?

Fat Tuesday: Go ahead. You deserve something pretty today.

So, last week, I received an email with a link to Sarah Jenks' program Live Well Weigh Less, and I have to tell you, it looks pretty darn cool. If you sign up for the free training, you'll get access to four videos of varying lengths and, quite honestly, varying degrees of usefulness.

However, there were a few things that really resonated with me. And a few things I've always wanted to do. And I'll let you watch the videos, because I don't want to steal Sarah's content, but one little thing she said was to buy yourself flowers every week.

On Tuesday, I ran into the grocery store for peanut butter and bread for my kids' lunches and was stopped by the small floral area which actually has a lot of different bouquets for really great prices. So I bought four to make two arrangements (confession: I don't actually know how to arrange flowers, so my pics might make you cringe a little). One is for my front room (which I actually cleaned and then rearranged the furniture on the autumnal equinox):

And another for my bedroom:

What's does this have to do with Fat Tuesday? 

Simply put, my friends, we all deserve to have beautiful flowers. No matter our body size or shape or our level of health. We deserve to enjoy all of the lovely things, all of the wonderful, fun experiences, this world has to offer us. And we don't have to wait until we're our "perfect" size in order to have and enjoy those things. We really can have them now. 

Friends, have you been waiting for the "perfect" moment to do that fun activity? Or go to that store? Or eat at that restaurant? Guess what? That perfect moment is now! (Okay, not right now. Finish reading this then go get in your car.) 

So, what're you going to do right now instead of waiting for that perfect moment? 

Fat Tuesday: Does my sexiness upset you?

Last year (and by "last year" I mean "last school year" because my beginnings always come at the end of August)...

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Last year, I had a bit of an epiphany. Part of this is related to last week's Fat Tuesday post. My epiphany was this:

Even though I am fat, I can still look good.

I don't have to dress in jeans and sweaters and comfy tees all the time. I don't have to wear sensible slacks and blouses and cardigans to work. I am allowed to dress well. Even trendy. Even *gasp!* wear heels! 

(But not at work. However, if you know some heels that are easy to wear and comfortable and can be worn all day on your feet, please feel free to let me know). 

Anyway. I started dressing better. Cuter. And I felt better about myself. So much better!

 One day, when it was cold and I went to put on a sweater I'd been wearing just months before, I looked at myself in the  mirror and thought, I can't go to work like this! I look so...slouchy. And I quickly pulled out something I looked much better in. 

I had this new-found confidence that came just from changing what I wore. And people were noticing. I got compliments from students and others at work. And it was kind of nice.

Until I started realizing that some of those compliments from people I worked with didn't sound like compliments at all. They sounded more like, "Why do you get to have all of these new clothes? Who do you think you are? Fatso."

Maybe that's not really what was being said behind their kind words. Maybe I was imagining things, born out of my old insecurities which weren't really gone, but just hovering in the background, waiting to take over again. 

I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. My inner fashion critic was having a hay day with it.

Until one morning as I was getting out of my car, ready to walk into work, and the words of Maya Angelou came from somewhere in my brain to lodge itself in my heart:

"Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?"

(from "Still I Rise")

And I realized: That's it. Those people who I felt like were giving me backhanded compliments were threatened that a girl who was fat dared to look good! 

I upset the entire social order! Fat people should wear baggy clothes and thin people should show off their curves and that's it!

Pfft. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was wearing a striped pencil skirt (my new favorite wardrobe must-have!) with an orange tank and matching cardi, and one of those people saw me and commented on my new outfit ("Oh, just so cute!"). And the words she said didn't smart like they had before. Perhaps I really HAD been imagining it. Or perhaps the words didn't have the power of me they had before because, honey, I knew it! I just said, "Yes," smiled, and sauntered on down the hall. 

So, I hope--oh, I really, really do--that my little story has inspired you, to ditch the "comfy" clothes and wear something fun and maybe a little va-va-va-voom! for a day. Or maybe just an evening. Try it. See how it feels. And then share it! With a friend (I'm always taking pics of myself in the bathroom at work and sending them to my cousin so she can tell me how awesome I look). With Twitter. On Facebook. Maybe even on your blog and with a link to it in a comment below? :)

Show the world that your size doesn't mean that you can't look AMAZING. 

Fat Tuesday: You can be fat AND beautiful!

For, oh, about forever, I believed that these two things were true:

Thin = Beautiful

and

Fat = Ugly

Really. It was basic mathematics, or whatever you may call it (I majored in English and only had to take one math class in college, so I really don't know).

In order to be beautiful, one also had to be thin.

The funny thing is, that I didn't really believe this about OTHER people. There are so many women in this world who are not of an "acceptable weight" who I've never looked at and thought, Oh, she would be so much prettier if she were thin!

For example:

Queen Latifah. She is GORGEOUS! I mean, I just can't explain how beautiful I think she is. And I'm a writer! I should be able to put words to it. But I can't. She's just so many perfect elements put together and she's been beautiful at every weight.

Jennifer Hudson. Before she did the WW, I was horribly confused as to why people were calling her "fat." She was (and still is) this lovely, talented woman and everyone was focusing on her weight? Egads! AND she was much to thin (and young) to play Rosaleen in The Secret Life of Bees. I still can't believe they did that. Craziness.

Rebel Wilson. She's lovely and funny and has the world's most amazing smile!

Adele. I've never been able to figure out why she is considered "fat" as well. She looks perfect to me. And her voice is incredible! And I love her.

HOWEVER...

...they didn't make me see myself any differently in my mirror. Or how I thought I looked to other people.

I was (and am) fat

therefore

I was not beautiful.

Did it matter that my husband would tell me that I was beautiful? Nope.

This past year--as I've lost some weight and then gained it back--I've come to realize that I am not not beautiful. This is a process, and I'm still learning to love me as I am, but it has changed me. A lot.

I have much more confidence in myself than I have had for a long time (probably since the first time I was doing the WW), I'm not beating myself up for my food choices all the time, and I'm happier in general.

But I'm still trying to remember that fat doesn't mean ugly and thin doesn't necessarily mean beautiful.

What about you? What body image "triumphs" have you had this week? (Any tips are greatly appreciated.)

Fat Tuesday: The First Blog Post

I have a confession to make:

I am not thin.

Okay. That's not quite right. A lot of people are "not thin." What I am is actually called "fat."

Well, maybe that's not quite telling the truth either. According to every website with a BMI thingy, I am not only fat, I am "obese."

Phew! I feel so much better getting that off my chest, because I would hate for you to believe you were reading the blog of a person who is in her target weight range, and then find out it was all a lie! LIES!

(This is a pretty accurate picture of my face...except I'm not really that blurry. And I tried to curl my hair, so it's a bit funkier than usual.)

So, why am I telling you this? Because I've thought about this--a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:

I am absolutely, positively, truly not my weight.

Do I want to be healthy and live a good, long life, hanging out with my kids, writing novels, and making art?

Yep!

Is the only way I can have this good, long, healthy life by constantly dieting and thinking about all the foods I CAN'T have or what I CAN have or how BAD I am for eating something that I SHOULDN'T?

Oh, heavens, I hope not, because I've already lived that life. More than once, in fact. And every time I lose weight I--wait for it--gain it back.

What does this have to do with my meandering musings? Well, it's this:

I am starting to be okay with who I am in the body I have right now. And I want to have discussions with you about loving yourself as you are. I really hope you're all smarter than I am on this subject, because I could really use the help.

And I'm going to blog about this topic on Tuesdays. Hence the title "Fat Tuesday."

Did you know that Mardi Gras is French for Fat Tuesday? So, what I want Fat Tuesdays to be is not griping about weight and diets and the fact that clothing designers think "plus-size" ladies all want to be dressed like the mother of the bride when they go to events that require formal wear (yeah, once, my husband gave me a nice big gift card to Sears so I could find an outfit for a dining out that required me to dress up. I couldn't find ANYTHING that looked my age, so I ended up buying my first iPod with it instead).

(My body to go along with my face. Check out those shoes!)

Fat Tuesday will be a celebration along with some contemplation and a large dose of self-love. I hope you'll join me for Fat Tuesdays. And I'd love for you to leave comments with topics surrounding this issue that you would be interesting in delving into more deeply.

AND if you have a plus-size fashion blog or a website dedicated to loving yourself, I'd love to know that too!